5 Conversation Topics When Cruising Bookmark and Share

Cruises, a place where the very worst parts of many people come to the fore and you too can enjoy the enforced table bragging of a bunch of inbred idiots. If you’re new to cruising you really will want to brush up on these topics of conversation before going because if you go anywhere near a dining room you will hear them:-

1. How Many Cruises You Have Been On – This is an absolute must, you will be asked at least 3 times a day and no matter what your answer the person asking will have been on more. It’s strange because a cruise is just a holiday at the end of the day and you don’t find many NORMAL people bragging about how many holidays they have been on.

2. The Food Isn’t As Good As… – As good as any other cruise the person has been on. It doesn’t matter how good the food is on this current cruise it just can’t compare to….well any other cruise really. Before going make a list of other meals you’ve had in your life and be prepared to compare each to what is offered up at the dinner table.

3. Look At My Watch – The domain of the 50 something male passenger. Expect the cuff to be roled up at every opportunity whilst you are “treated” to a display of time keeping excellence. You will be told the exact value of this watch (including what was paid and what it is worth now, always at least 2X) and how great it is so be prepared and have some figures in mind for your own watch before going. You don’t want to be caught cold and look like you are just plucking numbers out of your arse.

4. The Terrible Children Onboard – “Do you know there are over FIVE HUNDRED, hoomph, children on this cruise?” A question we were asked whilst actually sitting with our well behaved 15 year old for dinner by some obnoxious old bint that wouldn’t understand manners if they jumped up and bit her in the face. If you are on a family friendly cruise you will hear nothing but complaints by people over the age of 50 about the children on the ship. You’ll need some preprepared lines, you can complain about how they get in the way at the buffet, how they are always making a noise in the corridors (why aren’t they wearing slippers when moving about?) and how they takeover the (family) swimming pool. Under no circumstances bring up the fact that in many cases children are treated as full adult fares yet there will be many places on the ship they are not allowed to access such as adults only pools and spa’s.

5. Money – Money this, money that. Money money money. You’d never have guessed it but it seems that only people with a couple of million in the bank go on cruises. No matter what you do in life it’s vital that you have a story ready for how you became so rich. Popular options include an insurance payout from when an ex partner died, your business being bought out or simply inventing something great. You are rich, don’t forget it!

On the other hand you may actually get lucky and find yourself at the dinner table with a normal family that are quite happy to have a laugh and a joke. Unfortunately first hand experience shows that’s very rare so grab it with both hands when the opportunity arises!

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